The first day is always the hardest. Words must be chosen carefully. One can make judgments without knowing it. The door opens.
Hello. What day is it? Do you want to get some coffee? I’m going to call my mom to tell her what I’m doing. She talks to me extra slowly. I get mad at her sometimes. I live alone in this apartment, but I’m not allowed to smoke inside. The landlord doesn’t care, but the people who come to visit want the place kept clean. They want a lot of things, and they keep changing their minds. I just do nothing. That way I never get in trouble for anything.
What do you want to do today? I need my jacket and cigarettes. Let’s get some coffee. I make coffee at home a lot, but it can never be the same as in a restaurant. They just bring it and you can drink all you want and smoke cigarettes inside and talk about whatever. Forget about days passed and years to come and wonder if people die because they are afraid or not afraid or hot or cold or they were alive or the weren’t alive. I use a lot of cream because the acid hurts my stomach. I use a lot of sugar, too.
Mother’s have a hard time letting go. That’s all I can tell you. Some coffee would be good though. Your life doesn’t sound too bad. I wish I could do nothing.
I wish I were swimming with sharks on an island in South Carolina, going up and down like a giraffe’s neck. These cheap cigarettes are pretty good once you get used to them. I like the variety. If I don’t like one kind, I just don’t smoke it, and the rainwater gets in when someone leaves it on the back steps because we’re not allowed to smoke inside. You smoke expensive cigarettes. Don’t let me bum cigarettes from you.
I’m trying to quit. I can feel my lungs turning to ash. It’s not cool. It’s very good that you respect the no smoking rule, very polite.
I remember I used to be shy as a kid, before my Mom started going out of town a lot. When my Dad was still living there we used to have parties where they would both get drunk and yell at me for being a screw-up and I was real shy. I’m not shy anymore but I act like it when I don’t want to be a screw-up.
If you know how to act, and you obviously do, you’re not a screw-up.
Waffle House is where I always go. Do you want me to look for a job? No one is hiring. They are definitely not hiring me. I’ve been illegal since the twenties. If I hired someone, it would be a girl not me. The passenger seat of your car reminds me of the time a I drove and wrecked my motorcycle and go a tattoo and went out and did it again. Can I smoke a cigarette in here? My mom was so mad she would never let me drive after that. I still drove, though. I had an old Ford two door, except it had four doors. I used to suck balloons with pure red nitrous in them and go out and break stuff.
We pull up to the Waffle House and I concentrate on parking in an attempt to buy some time to ponder this revelation. What do you mean “illegal?” This is going out on a limb.
Have you ever smoked weed until you were just so tired that you were not tired anymore? I used to stay up all the time because I was so diesel. I got skinny for a long time and then I just built it back up. I was huge, much bigger than I am now, and I would shoot cocaine and pump iron until I thought my heart would explode. That’s when I finally cut my Mohawk. I couldn’t take it anymore.
Do you have money for coffee? I have some change but it might not be enough. I could sit here while you drink your coffee. I’ll have money on Friday when I get my check. They didn’t give me any medication last time so I might not have enough. I think I have enough. I’ve been taking my medication. I forgot yesterday, but I remembered last night. I didn’t take it this morning because I’m out of the green ones. Call my mom and ask her if I’m supposed to get a shot this week, too. She told me to do that last week.
You only get a shot once a month. You don’t have to go back until January. I got the coffee this time. No worries.
At first they told me I would have to stay in the hospital. But I hated it there, so I ran away and my mom said I didn’t have to stay there anymore. I’m glad she changed here mind, because the doctors and people were getting scarier all the time and I was going to have to smash one of them. I saw a guy get beat so bad one time when I was at the shelter. Do you like movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre? That’s my favorite movie. I used to have them all but they got lost or stolen.
I really don’t like violence. I like old monster movies though, if they have bad special effects and creatures spawned from radiation.
Good coffee is strong. You know when you get that cheap coffee that is so strong that you just can’t drink it. That’s the best kind. Do you want an ashtray? I’ll get you one. This is my favorite place to have coffee. The other place won’t let me go back because I got mad and started yelling. That used to be my favorite place, but now I like this one. Do you think anyone is gonna hire me? I mean I used to have a job in South Carolina, but then I moved here.
I think that if you have realistic expectations, you can get a job. If you want, we could get a paper and look at the classifieds.
I don’t want to look for a job today. Let’s do it next week. Do you ever get so mad that everything just turns brown and white, and you start hitting the wall and your hand starts bleeding, but you don’t even notice until you wake up later? I mean you are so angry that you have to hurt someone, and there is no one to hurt but yourself?
I sip my coffee. I can’t think of anything to say, so I light a cigarettee. The first day is always the hardest.
