Something can snap out of your life just like that. It can be a change of location, major illness, divorce and a break up, death of a loved one; it can go on and on. Basically life brings with it changes. Suddenly one can wake up realizing that things have changed. Perhaps you find out that someone you have lived with and known for so long is forever gone. Sometimes it would be like a dream and then you realize to your frustration that its reality. I have experienced this feeling; we all have at one point in time or even countless times.
Somehow something crept in my life and it changed. From my early childhood I felt my life was perfect. I was confident about everything and I was in the forefront. Even as I was in secondary school my life was full filled. I was healthy: I remember there was this year I spent without drinking pills, till the last month of the year. There was something so strong in my emotions that could overcome an illness.
I don’t know how but something snapped about the time after I finished High school and it became worse when I went to University. I had developed this chronic illness-constant stomach pain which in recurrence became accompanied by anal pain. This with the change of locale made my life miserable. What made it even worse was that my friends were dispersed in different places, some University, some work, different stories altogether. It pained me that some close friends from High school was changed and had become distant. I did not understand for we had shed tears on our separation and in my whole life I had never had such intimate friends who loved me truly. I remember back then when we wrote to each other warm letters which were inspirational; but it was all gone.
I felt different and joy was snapped out of me. No matter what painful pain killers I took the pain wouldn’t go. As I result I even overdosed them. I really felt embarrassed and uncomfortable around people because my stomach would make sounds, there would be gases in my stomach and even in my rectum. This happened constantly regardless of what I ate therefore I ended up preferring to go without food.
I went for scan they said I had a cyst but it seems it was of no particular importance. Following that i went for a blood test and I had the H pylori bacterium which causes ulcers. I was given the medication it did not change. My life became difficult as I would have a runny stomach which altered with constipation.
I would go back the doctors and did more scans but it detected nothing wrong. Apparently I never talked about the anal pain for I felt it was embarrassing. Meanwhile I was miserable because I was made fun of because of my condition and I skipped most lectures. One day in frustration I wanted to commit suicide. For the first time in my life the doctor had given me sleeping pills which I took three one time in the afternoon. My body became wobbly and uttered strange things...I woke up many hours later feeling the drunken stupor.
I made it for attachment in 2014, (internship) even though I wanted to drop out many times. To my gratitude I was doing much better than those who attended lectures every time, one of my friends was in awe. It was a BA Degree in Filming and Theatre Art. However my work became limited as I was in constant agony. During that phase I was referred to a specialist surgeon who accessed my condition. He said I had to have an operation because I had hernia. This he said on speculation without further tests. That made my mother to take me to her own specialist. Dr Chad diagnosed depression, haemorrhoids and irritable bowel syndrome. The X ray proved this with the help of my physical symptoms. Imagine I was 23 and going through that stuff. Medication and diet was prescribed to me, the medication included an anti depressant. In addition he recommended being in the country as therapy.
This illness has changed my life. It’s because I became isolated and I feel ashamed at most. I don’t love people the way I used to because there is so much anger that I bottled on the inside. Attempts to alter my diet are not that fruitful. This is due to the fact that currently I am not working; I deferred my studies whereas I was to graduate 2O15. What pains me the most is that I can’t go where I want to go, and do what I want to do in my time. Feeling helpless, there have been mornings when I felt I did not want to get from bed and have been bitter.
With this chronic illness there have also been bad breaks in my relationships. I think it s because of what I have been going through as I allowed it to make me a bitter young lady. So many times I tried to compromise but I was held back. I remember I almost had sex with someone because of frustration.
This is not the end; my story is not tragic after all. Although I still feel pain in my body my outlook has changed. am no longer dependant on anti depressants, because I have learnt a lot of things through this chronic illness. The negative aspect of change is not bad itself. What becomes bad is the failure to adjust to any bad break or unfavourable situation.
Acceptance is the key to coping with change no matter how much it aches. Lesson number two is that I have learnt to let go of my anger and bitterness even though am not yet stable. Sometimes when I feel like breaking things I caution myself and calm down. The development is something to me because I now control my emotions. This is all because I have awareness that what you can't change you let it go. As a person I have to do all I can; exercise, eating well and if it’s beyond my strength I let it go.
What I have learnt is that every painful experience is not to tear me apart but make me a better person. Personally I have decided to take a break in relationship. Although it never went my way It has given me allowance to dig in deeper. Focus is part of me as I derive a life lesson from it. No matter how many countless relationships that failed something better is upfront. Why? Because the “Victim” mentality is faded.
So this is my story and here I am moving on with my life fulfilling my purpose as I write and there is the process of movie making ongoing. One step at a time it would be all over.
