"Have you thought of losing some weight? This would most likely take care of the many complaints you have." The all too eager yet condescending young intern continued despite my blank stare, "Have you had a sleep study done?"
How many times had I been in this situation? Change the doctor, but keep me there, in the crazy patient's chair. "Well, the patient has five children, a long history of miscarriages, a fairly recent history of a traumatic abdominal hysterectomy... couple these with the recent death of her father to cancer and basically all normal testing... clearly she's a depressed, middle aged woman hitting the Ben and Jerry's a little too much and addicted to Lifetime movies." Or something like that.
What's worse than the tiny intern with a huge ego, was the troll under the bridge. I still had to face my PCP who listened to me a little less than a mother who's heard "Mommy, mommy!" for the hundredth time in an hour, from her 3 year old.
For the better part of two years, I'd seen her for so many things. Each time I'd ask her why my bones were breaking so easily. I told her I was shrinking, to which she replied "It's impossible to shrink an inch and a half in a year." Then laughter. I’d ask her why the nausea & vomiting, low oxygen, and migraines were there... all of this was ignored and off to another specialist I'd go (for a similar experience), with more Prednisone in hand. When she didn't see hardcore proof (i.e. a lab tests or a specialist's report confirming the symptoms in front of her) the things simply did not exist, despite glaring symptoms.
Another specialist I'd seen did care and did see the disturbing, rapid transformation and accumulation of symptoms, so he sent me to my PCP for testing. I later found out that this specialist feared all along what I had. He had been warning me that Prednisone was dangerous and he hated it. I didn't. I loved it. It was the only thing that relieved my severe neuropathy pain, the nausea, vomiting and migraines. Without it, I was in the E.R. at least once a week.
I suppose I could cut the PCP some slack and say that every doctor, when they themselves are the young intern, dream about the day when they can show off their seniority and knowledge (let's not forget power) in front of another young intern. I could say this, but I won't. Not when I know there are the most wise, sympathetic, world renowned and respected doctors, who've been practicing medicine longer than most interns have graced this earth, yet they treat the interns (and patients) as equals. They remain humble.
No, this PCP had no excuse for demeaning me for twenty minutes in front of this man. Alas! She did finally do her job and gave me an exam. It took her less than thirty seconds to blurt out "OMG Andrea! You have Cushing's Syndrome!" All of the cool was gone. She fumbled with her papers, stuttered, murmured to herself... She was a mess.
She left the room for ten minutes and returned more composed and more... herself. "Andrea, I'm sure you've read about Cushing's Syndrome on the internet." This sentence was delivered with the same tone and sarcasm as a Disney villain about to pounce on an unsuspecting bunny (or other furry creature… did I mention the “fur” I had sprouted?). She continued, "You have every symptom of Cushing's Syndrome. The buffalo hump is huge and classic." She went on about my symptoms. All of which I'd been begging her to look at before this appointment.
By the end of the appointment, she had decided that she'd need to talk to my then rheumatologist; I'd need all sorts of testing, and foremost, "You HAVE to get off of that Prednisone Andrea!" Certainly she knew I wasn't convinced that her prescriptions of Prednisone were somehow my fault, however the wee intern might have sucked that one up. Perhaps he believed it was my rheumatologist that prescribed all of it; he did do his part as well. They were both in it together.
I left the office miffed and confused. "Well," I thought, "Let's go home and see what this Cushing's is, on the Internet. Probably some sort of psychosomatic disease where you think yourself into the side effects of Prednisone."
At the point where I began my Internet search, I had changed from an active, really attractive (I can toot my horn, 'cause it ain't so now) about to be 40 year-old, homeschooling mom of five beautiful children. I was in bed for 3 weeks prior to my PCP appointment. I found out later that my family thought that this was it, I was dying. Indeed, I was close to death and it's a miracle that I didn't die.
I had gained 40 lbs. for which easily 10 of it rested on the top of my back. The Buffalo Hump. The rest was hanging out in strange pockets of fat all over my middle and face. I was disoriented and in cold sweats all of the time. Everything hurt.
On the evening of that fateful Friday after my PCP appointment, I joined a Cushing's support group online. It took me three weeks to compose my introduction post because I had not the energy, nor the wherewithal to finish it. In the meantime however, I found out enough about Steroid Induced Cushing's Syndrome to know that I was in big trouble.
Every bad side effect one can get from steroid use, I am getting or have. What's worse is, my adrenal glands have atrophied. They won't wake up and naturally produce cortisol that our bodies vitally need. Every organ and gland in our body relies on the production of cortisol. When you have Cushing's, you're in a real pickle Fred.
With me, I'm continually in either Cushing's mode or Addison's mode. Two opposite diseases. You’d be surprised at how many people in the medical field do not understand this. Most disturbing is how many endocrinologists don’t understand it. My body is used to high levels of cortisol so when I try to wean off and my body gets stressed, sick, injured, needs surgery, etc., I go into adrenal insufficiency with the chance of adrenal crisis.
Ahh, adrenal crisis! My nemesis! Is it? Isn’t it? Hospital? Just a Prednisone Boost? These are questions I ask myself daily. I was very near dying during those few weeks before I saw my PCP, because my body was literally shutting down. Again, I’m still amazed that I didn’t die.
Right. I realized for me, a person with autoimmune disease, with all sorts of crazy symptoms, weaning down to a healthy level of cortisol was going to take another miracle. Those message boards? Every time I went to send a personal message to a member that I could relate to in experience, they were dead. Dead. Young women, neglected by so many doctors who thought that they too, were fat and depressed.
Monday came and I called my PCP as scheduled. When she answered the phone she acted as if she didn't know why I was calling. Before a minute was up, I realized she was getting as far away from admitting I had Cushing's Syndrome as she could. Both she and my rheumatologist had been prescribing me prednisone without any solid diagnosis (at that point). Basically the Prednisone was completely unwarranted. She told me to wean off of the Prednisone and "Um okay?" then let the silence hang there. I was speechless (and as you're well aware of at this point, is pretty darn near an oxymoron).
I took it upon myself to see an endocrinologist, who I owe my life to. He ordered a bone density test, a bunch of labs, told me to get a medical alert bracelet ASAP and a whole lot more. He was shocked that none of this had been done.
The bone density test showed that my PCP was half right, I didn't lose an inch and half off of my stature in less than a year, I had lost two and a half inches. I began a strong osteoporosis medication. A little later, I was put on 5 liters of oxygen at night and as needed during the day, a bi-pap machine and I learned more about cortisol stress doses and began searching for new doctors.
For the next year and a half, I would see a total of 3 more rheumatologists, 5 neurologists and 2 new PCP's. I was admitted to the hospital too many times to count. I saw 5 more specialists, wasted tons of money, precious time and was demeaned further than I could have ever imagined coming from people who are supposed to “Do no harm.” at one of those big name clinics. Same thing: fat and CrAzY. At the end of it all, I had given up hope. I was on more Prednisone than when I had first seen my endocrinologist.
My teeth had begun rotting because of the calcium loss and my Sjogren's Syndrome did not help matters there. I had 6 extractions in 3 months and was never able to get back down to the 10 mg. of Prednisone I had begun with. Stress, illness and then having to let the beautiful eyes of our children watch it all…too much.
I saw my endocrinologist for a checkup and he yelled at me. I yelled at him. We both yelled together and then he picked up the phone in front of me and called a few specialists (the most-awesome-est specialists the world has to offer) and made me appointments with them. These doctors graciously took me on as their patient and began working as a team with my endocrinologist to get me off of this Prednisone.
Well, it's been 8 months since that loud, intense “time of fellowship" with my endocrinologist. Despite the fact that my teeth have deteriorated to the point where I will have them all extracted on Jan. 2, 2014 (Happy New Year!)… and I found out I have both thyroiditis and hyperparathyroidism and well, a bunch of other ... stuff. I'm due to wean down to 9 mg. of Prednisone on Thanksgiving day! I've lost a little weight. There’s so much to be thankful for!
I have lost much, but what I've gained in return, I would never, ever give up. My faith and that of my family's, has grown in ways that would never have happened had I not gotten this dreadful disease. I found many things. I have found that my husband really means it when he says that I'm beautiful. My children mean it… I have what many have deemed, "The Ugly Disease" yet I feel more beautiful than I ever have. I feel more blessed than I ever have. Most importantly, I remembered and again found my hope, through faith.
Faith is the essence of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. When those of us with serious and chronic illness, have no faith in a Hope, we are dead persons walking. Had my endocrinologist not been divinely appointed to verbally kick my butt, there's no doubt in my mind that I would not be here trying to type this story of mine.
I can't write nor say a thing without a moral. So the moral of my story is this: know who and what your hope is in. Know what the unseen things are and have fat faith. Take your illness and use it. Use your life! It's beautiful!
